Dear Cat,

I'm here to inquire as to why it is you felt it necessary to pee on the couch on two consecutive days. I thought we'd come to some sort of understanding that, that really just isn't the type of behaviour accepted in our house.

If you're taking some sort of stand against management I'm sure we can come to some sort of agreement without resorting to such drastic measures. Is the litter box too far away? I can move it to the middle floor if you like. Do you need more biscuits? That can also be arranged though if you don't mind me saying you're already a fairly rounded gentleman to begin with.

Please keep in mind all the times I have defended you and your actions. Remember the time when you peed on mum's bed three nights in a row? I wouldn't let her lock you outside. Remember at Christmas when I gave you some turkey? Granted you ate Winston's share as well which made you ill but we all do things we're not proud of in the holiday season, don't we?

Today I spent an hour with a bucket of napisan and bi-carb soda attempting to clean up the mess you'd made. I even blow dried it so mum wouldn't know... I thought we were friends. You share my bed, my dinner and my coffee when you can get away with it and this is what you do for me?

What the fuck cat.